WOOP WOOP WOOP

Toast started the day denouncing his new neighbours. One of them had dared to drop a pin thus shattering his peace. I reversed into Tomato’s drive and found him asleep, standing up behind a conifer. He somehow gravitated towards the car and folded himself into the aft chamber. Three minutes of talking absolute shit fair perked him up. My conversation was putting Toast off his upcoming breakfast so he demanded that the subject be changed. He changed it himself to something far worse. Toast and Tomato chirped on happily with their disgusting dialogue. They’d now got their appetites back.

At the Morrisons traffic lights a car started to make the turn just as the lights changed to red. Instead of just carrying on it did an emergency stop. We watched the car with mild amusement as it sat stranded in various directions of traffic until the lights eventually came back to our favour.

I didn’t fancy a manly toasted tea-cake today and went for a bacon roll. Toast and Tomato both had a Flying Fancypants or something. Once again we each received a numbered card with our order. Morrisons supply enough room in the holder for one. This caused Toastboy to become highly
agitated. I plonked two cards into the holder willy-nilly. This obviously wasn’t good enough for Toast and he carefully manoeuvred the cards strangely into a less useful position. He spent an age balancing, and gingerly tweaking. At last he was satisfied and moved his hand away. His card immediately fell on the floor. I watched in growing agitation as he ponced about once more. The card fell on the floor again. Resisting the urge to snatch the cards from his hand I was barely able to control my rage as he once more went through the routine. Is he related to Norman Wisdom?

My bacon roll arrived first and was met with half hearted gay comments that didn’t really work. The two manly mens breakfasts arrived on the smallest plates in the world. I watched in amusement as they struggled to cut anything on the plate without it falling off. Toast complained about his lorne sausage but continued to scoff. He eventually left a bit of it. Tomato had been watching him, drool slevering from his chops, hoping to get a free morsel. Tomato speared the 3/19ths of the remaining square sausage. His triumphal munching face soon turned to slight disgust as both he and Toast agreed that it was “processed”

Later, we discovered that PC World had done some spring cleaning and removed more that half of their shelving. The remaining shelves were half stocked. Tomato announced that PC World had gone into liquidation thus starting a rumour.

I spotted a nice Olympus digital SLR camera. I wanted to have a good look at the machine but it was bolted to the wall. Wandering away I saw another customer grab a camera and pull it towards him. Aha! The stand and camera were attached to the wall via a retractable cord. I went back to the Olympus camera and ever so lightly laid a finger on it to test the alarm WOOOP WOOOP WOOOP! the siren shrieked. I turned round to see a delighted Toast savouring the scene. What a beamer! I casually edged away trying to look cool but went back when a loon arrived to turn off the alarm. He explained that because the camera had a removable lens it had extra security. Pah! He cockily showed me how to handle the camera properly and not set the alarm off…WOOP WOOP WOOP!. We both gave up and slunk away.

PC world, with their minimal stock, didn’t have the printable cd’s that I hankered after. On a whim I veered into Curries. As I mulled over their selection of blank media Toast called me over to the laptop section. He’s just bought a laptop so he was obviously looking for the same model but cheaper, we’ve all been there. He was pointing at an Apple Mac. The background on the desktop was a photo of our chum David Vose! This caused a bit of amazement. I dropped Vose a text message. My printable cd’s were a pound cheaper than advertised, hurrah!

On the dual carriageway my phone started to ring. I knew it was Vose calling me back so I awkwardly wrestled the mobile from my front pocket. I must have pressed answer during the struggle. I stabbed at the buttons and lost the call. There was an unknown number in the display. It rang again, I passed the phone to Toast. I didn’t want to answer it as I was driving. Toastboy panicked, “who is it? I’m not answering it!!” I told him it was Vose, he claimed he didn’t know Vose (he did) the phone stopped ringing then started again, Toast threw the phone into the back seat telling Tomato to answer it. “You know Vose better than me” he said. Looking at Tomato in the mirror I could tell he was thinking “Who?”. It stopped ringing. “For chrissakes, it’s only Vose” I snapped “I sent him a text message in Curries”. Once again the phone rung, thinking it was a bomb Tomato threw the phone back into the front. I answered it “Who’s this?” demanded an unknown, posh, English, female voice. This isn’t Vose I deducted. Not knowing what to say I said “It’s Milk”. This meant nothing to the caller. She accusingly said “you sent a text to my friend saying I saw your face on a laptop in Curries. I explained that I’d sent that to my friend, it must have been an old number and did she know David Vose? She didn’t. We ended the call happily with her growling “Don’t let it happen again”. To look cool in front of my colleagues I laughed lightly and said “ok, goodbye”. What a beamer!

The windmills behind Fyrish caught my eye. I thought there was more than the last time I looked. Toast thought they ruined the view “look over there, it’s like Lord of the Rings” his argument was stopped short with “and now it doesn’t look like Lord of the Rings with those win…oh, they’ve disappeared from view!”. I stopped myself from pointing out that he was ruining the Lord of the Rings atmosphere as well by not dressing like a Hobbit.

A while later Tomato started a new conversation “The Alness community is getting £3000 a year”. £3000!!!, I wasn’t getting £3000! Everyone else in Alness was getting all this money and I wasn’t! …..I became a bit tetchy at this point and snapped back an angry reply. However I had misunderstood and this was still windmill related, I’d somehow drifted off. Luckily Toast had fully understood and was able to translate.

All in all it was rather a queer day for me.