Fat Albert

Sunday 4th September

I was up with the lark and in fine mood. I picked up a chirpy Toastboy who had been up all night . He had been turned to the dark side by a certain drummer. Tomato was standing perfectly straight behind a conifer and looking sinister as I reversed into his driveway.
I can’t remember what we were discussing but I turned it to my usual rant about Ocean Finance and their “home owner loan” deception. Tomato called me a “F-A”, I pondered this for a moment and came up with “Financial Advisor?”, “that works as well” he quipped. Toast informed us that in certain areas this stood for Fat Admirer which caused much hilarity and discussion. We got back to discussing what Tomato actually meant by “FA” which indeed was Financial Advisor to which a crazed Tomato blurted out “we all thought it meant fat admirer”….”errr no, you were the only one who thought that!”
Thus we arrived in good form at a bric a brac sale masquerading as a car boot. I was pleased to pick up TOCA touring car for the PS2 that I had been after for a while. This turned out to be my only boot purchase.
Stupid conversation of the day:
An older lady was holding up what looked like a long white glove with some sort of picture on the back. I came within hearing distance as the stallholder was saying slowly and loudly “IT’S-BUZZ-LIGHT-YEAR”, “AHHHH” said the old lady knowledgably “I knew I didn’t know who it was”. I missed about 3 stalls as I pondered the statement.
For once I was the first person back to the car. A weary and slightly disheartened Toastboy appeared followed by a chipper Tomato who looked like he’d been for a brisk walk on a frosty morn. We decided that the boot wasn’t worth another look and so headed for Tesco.
As we joined the breakfast queue I had already decided upon scrambled egg on toast and Tomato was having beans on toast. Toastboy was indecisive, I got served before him and left him humming and hawing on whether he would have scrambled egg on toast or a traditional. He appeared with an unprecedented “five”.
As I had paid for both Tomatoes food and mine it soon came time for monies to change hands, which is always a stressful time for Tomato. He donned his fingerless gloves and searched for his money belt. Unfortunately I didn’t receive a receipt at the till. A good few panicked minutes were spent trying to work out how much he owed. He came up with sum of around £1.38. However the total I paid was £2.92 and had one slice of toast less than Plum Tomato. It was decided that he would pay for next week’s food. This worried Tomato as I might get more on my plate next week. He took a note of what I had. So next week, even if I don’t want it I shall be forced to have one slice of toast with scrambled egg.
In MVC I pointed out many bargain DVDs for Toast, one’s that he would surely like. I can’t remember the exact titles as they are not my cup of tea but he poo-pooed every single one. “Look, She-Dracula’s Vampire Lust!”, “Nuh”, “Oooooh Hammer House of Horror versus Amazon Women by Jessie Franco”, “Nuh, I might have wanted it if it was naked Amazon Women…”. In Next I bought a jacked for £49.99, Toast was shocked at my whimsical spending spree. Half an hour later he was nearly spend ten times that in another shop!
On the way to drop Tomato off one of his neighbours pulled partly out of his drive, spotted me and stopped. The nose of his people carrier was poking out onto the single track road. I was quite relaxed as I drove up, but the guy didn’t reverse and I had to go slightly off road to safely pass him and for some reason went berserk and started shouting at the nose of the protruding automobile. This caused more laughter and rounded off a jolly good day.