American Splendor

I picked up Toast. Two miles later an argument nearly broke out.
Toast: Have you heard of the film American Splendor.?
Milk: No
Toast: There was this comic called American Sple…
Milk: (Butting in) … oh yeah the comic strip drawn by Robert Crumb.
Toast: The films not about Robert Crumb!
Milk: I know, I was just saying…
Toast: ….I’M TELLING YOU ABOUT IT, YOU DON’T TELL ME!
Milk: I was just showing that I had heard of the film
Toast: YOU’VE SPOILED IT NOW!....SPOILED IT, SPOILED IT, SPOILED IT.

On arriving at Tomato’s house his befuddled, half asleep face appeared at the window, he still had his nightgown and Wee Willie Winkie hat on. Knowing of my short patience levels he made a Herculean effort and was in the back of the car within 11 seconds. This time there was only a nod and a wink to the “I’ll go in the back” routine.

Toast (talking about a serial killer...possibly Arthur Fish): “He hit his brother on the head with a shovel but didn’t kill him. When his brother later asked him what he would have done if he had killed him the reply was… I’d have put you in the bath, cut off your head and limbs and dissolved you with acid”
Tomato: “Ahh, he was trying to make it look like an accident”
However Tomato had spoiled Toasts punch line about the potential killer not using a strong acid as he wouldn’t want to ruin the plumbing.
Toast: YOU’VE SPOILED IT NOW!....SPOILED IT, SPOILED IT, SPOILED IT.

In an incident laden journey I managed to greatly amuse Tomato and at the same time embarrass myself with a comment about the new underpass at North Kessock. I’m sure Tomato will recount the whole gaff.
In my defence all I can say is the work took place in a different area than I expected it to.

The car boot was incident free. The sun brought out a lot of sellers. Unfortunately they had brought a pile of junk with them. Tomato and I retired to the vehicle to wait for Toast who was off taking photo’s of ducks, again. Does he have a duck fetish? While awaiting the return of the wildlife photographer we witnessed a people carrier being parked very erratically. The goofy looking driver flew out of the vehicle before it had even stopped and did a strange comedy run towards the car boot, suddenly changing to a nonchalant stroll as he exited frame. At this exact point Toast returned and looked like he thought we were laughing at him. Toast explained that a lady was feeding the ducks and he was taking photos of them….there was a bit too much explaining which led me to believe that he had taken photos of the lady. I shall monitor the voyeur/duck forums for new uploads.

The whole journey from the car boot to the breakfast was taken up with Toast’s tirade against the Tesco Café, from the disappointment of last weeks breakfast (3 manky hash browns) to his master plan for choosing items this time. I am sure that he will explain all in his blog.

Myself and Toast were in the queue with two old time booters. We had a rare time complaining about how rubbish the boot is now and how programs like carboot challenge had spoiled it. We were informed that people were only allowed by law to do 2 boots a year. Any more than that and they were classed as a trader. Veeeery interestink. I told the lady about my run in with the Crazy Woman at the Moray Firth boot who said that I was taking bread off her table when I haggled her down by a pound for a Jean Michel Jarre album, she made the appropriate noises of outrage.
I believe the full compliment of items was on display for the breakfast and the two girls behind the counter seemed competent. I got my breakfast in quick time and zoomed off to the tea making facility only to whiz back and get Tomato’ breakfast, once again I had forgotten but managed to place the blame on Toast. I also forgot to pick up “pats” of butter and had to go back for them. However I did come up with a great invention. As I watched Toast plough up his toast by trying to spread still chilled butter on to it I had a brainwave. I placed my “pat” of butter atop my teapot. Seconds later it was spreading perfectly. I was very pleased with myself. I didn’t receive the acclaim which I so richly deserved from Toast and Tomato. Lets see if my two companions adopt my technique next week.

Toast was delighted. He had procured three meat items and two slices of toast along with the usual items (no hash browns though) and got charged only for a “Traditional”. Much working out (Two slices of toast for 50p, each item 39p) eventually found this to be indeed a bargain. Will this become the norm for breakfasts? Will I dare adopt this cunning scheme next week…will Toast?

3 stinking hash bowns and a big milk

It is only now.... several days after the long awaited breakfast that I feel able to write about the experience. The day started off well enough, Milk was a few minutes late but instead of waiting in the car as usual he flew into my abode demanding soap and warm water!!! It appears he was suffering from a slight feeling of greasiness about the chin! After some frantic rubbing of the infected area with a piece of kitchen towel all was well and we set off to pick up Tomato. Tomato as is his wont demanded the back seat as usual while Milk harumphed about the seat positioning... "Pull the leaver...pull the leaver!!!" he squeeled like a a tart caught in a revolving door.... but soon we were motoring towards the fine city of Inverness.

The boot itself was enjoyable and I picked up a copy of "Eraserhead" on DVD for £2 but for some reason I refused "Lost in Translation" for the same price! I pointed out said DVD to Milk in the hope that he would purchase it... but alak and alas he was having none of it and whirled away like the proverbial tart in the proverbial revolving door! I almost managed to secure a Stylophone at a reasonable price for Milk but he pooh-poohed it and waltzed away muttering about crazy..crazy prices.

I met up with Tomato at the car who was chewing on a lardball and waxing lyrical about bloody rabbits consuming his trees, soon we were joined by an unusually relaxed Milk and within moments we were breakfast bound.

I had no idea at this time that it would be the LAST traditional breakfast I would ever order at Tescos! The service was atrocious as usual but the lack of non-meat products was incredible - considering that 6 have to be chosen - I ended up with 3 greasy hash browns, two scoops of beans and a piece of toast. I was so dissapointed that I could garner narry a grin at Milks pathetic face when he realised he had forgotten to get Tomaoto's breakie platter. I even tried to cheer him up by anouncing that I had picked up "the big milk jug" but he chose - not for the first time that day to ignore me - I reminded him to get butter, paid for my rapidly cooling breakfast and joined Tomato at the table.

Tomato had done a stirling job with the cutlery and condiments even remembering to pick up the peppah! Milk arrived with a single breakfast and a furious face, he forced the breakfast on Tomato - to be fair it didn't take much forcing - and glared at the world. I ate my feeble plateful without complaint as usual - remembering all the starving children in Afrika - while Tomato and Milk - whose piping hot breakfast had now arrived - slurped and gurgled and munched and belched their way through what seemed like mountains of bacon, eggs, sausage, beans, tattie scones, fried bread and toast. I was a little put out at Milks use of "the big milk" in his two full cups of tea while I sipped at my singular!

I look forward to the next breakfast trip... but I will not be ordering "The Traditional".

Breakfast Butter Famine

I enjoyed the journey to the booty, in side saddle fashion, I also enjoyed browsing around the booty,although I did not make any purchases other than 4kgs of nuts and 5 lardy balls, oh! and 4lbs of Jersey Royals.

I was amused at Toastboy blaming Milk for the horrendous smell in the car on the way to the Breakfast, windows were opening and shutting, while Milk was trying to explain the situation.

I did not join Milk and Toastboy at the serving area, but I observed them from a distance,and from their facial expressions I judged all was not well.

Milk arrived at the table with one tray,which he kindly offered to me,and I accepted.
Shortly after the young lady appeared with the second tray,I then observed Milk opening a butter portion,I then frantically searched the table for my butter,this was noticed by Milk who enquired, what are you looking for?, I replied "the butter" he retorted "You could not have got butter you did not go up that far" I then tried to explain to him that the butter arrived on the first tray,which he snaffled, and the second tray was null and void of any butter.

I brought the butter debacle up because,the previous breakfast I was caught by the butter police with 6 portions on my tray,and now Milk with a meagre one portion for all.

I must say that I enjoyed the breakfast, but that could not be said for Toastboy,who had a disasterous breakfast, "I waited a few weeks for this, and ended up with three bloody hash browns,because there was no choice of any other products,but I ate it all because I was f...ing hungry" he gurned.

I look forward to our next Sunday excursion.

Heatwave....NOT!

The Queen Mary’s foghorn reverberated around the ‘hood (no one else heard this but it did happen). It signalled the start of the first Inverness boot in quite a while. I picked up a chirpy Toast Boy. No matter what the subject he could see the positive side. Mr Bluebird was indeed sitting on his shoulder ( and probably crapped down the back of his jacket).
On picking up Tomato we followed the rituals of: “I’ll go in the back…No, I’ll go…Please, let me…. But I insist” and “Do you have enough room? …Pull the seat forward…. How do I that? .... Click the seat back….How do I click the seat back?....It’s ok I have enough room, though I’m sitting side saddle”. I am starting to worry as to why nobody wants to sit next to me.
The journey saw the compassionate side of Toast emerge as he addressed the “travellers” issue. He sympathised with their situation and came up with some good suggestions on how to deal with them.
The carboot. The only thing I can remember is Toast shouting excitedly “OOH OOH A ROLF HARRIS STYLOPHONE!. YOU’LL GET A GOOD PRICE FOR THAT ON EBAY!!!” and the stall holder rocketing the price to £25.
The breakfast progressed with the usual hoo-haa. Toast and I stood in a queue that didn’t move for 10 minutes. The trays were manky, I leafed through them looking for good ones but they were thrown down in disgust when I came across a used tomato ketchup sachet flattened like a pressed flower. Luckily Toast spotted trays next to the serving area and they looked more promising.
Toast got served by a young lady, I was due to be served by a gentleman. However a “good crack” guy behind me knew him and struck up an “aye aye manny” type conversation and got served in the process! I was served by the young lady. I got a bit exasperated as I had to choose six items from the non-meat section, all I could see was watery scrambled egg, watery mushrooms and a bit of fried bread that was brittle and saturated in fat. Some new items appeared ... hash browns, tattie scones etc,.. and I was on my way. I was on my way a little prematurely as I forgot to get Tomato’s breakfast. I went through a similar performance trying to get some descent grub for him only to be scuppered by the dreaded “there’s no hash browns ready, I’ll take your plate over”. Rejoining the queue at the till there was now a couple between me and Toast. He was at the till and shouted to me a little manically “I got the BIG milk!”, I chose to ignore him.
I was a very generous fellow. I gave Tomato the one and only breakfast even though I was starving. I wasn’t as hungers as Toast though, he finished long before Tomato and me. Although maybe we did spend some time saying “You can have the breakfast….No no, you stood in the queue…But I insist…”

Problems with Tesco Inverness breakfast on Sunday 19th June.

Queue not moving.
Dirty Trays.
Person behind counter not being pro-active with keeping food topped up. e.g. waiting for the fried eggs to run out before shouting for more.
The full complement of items not on display.
Items on display unappetising.
Dirty cups.
Having to wait for the food to be “taken over” due to there being no hash browns.

The letter of complaint is imminent.
Strange coincidence of the day: Myself and Tomato both having shopping lists on the exact same paper, folded similarly and both with some writing in blue and some in black ink. I noticed this and may have frightened Tomato as I excitedly tried to show him my list, hands a trembling.