A return to Morrisons

I was accompanied by "Cup o' Tea" to today's Breakfast. Cupotea never indulges in any breakfast related shenanigans but is quite happy to slurp away at a cup of tea while I devour the "Breakfast Platter". The sausages were up to the usual high standard while the bacon was a little undercooked, the fried egg and bread were as usual excellent, the portion of beans was half that of previous weeks. Overall I would rate today's breakfast at 7/10 this compares favourably with the average Tesco breakfast which is lucky to score 4/10. Cupotea proved his usefulness by spotting a rather attractive lady who I would have otherwise missed as my face was buried in tasty fried delights.

When we arrived back at Bunter Towers I made Cupotea a cup of tea. For once he didn't complain and complemented the beverage. It was Yorkshire Tea, this is a little more expensive than tetley but gives a far superior brew. I must make a cup for Milk tomorrow after the boot.

Hot Takeaway

The local monkeyman haunt, a spar mini-market, offers a hot takeaway service to those tough(ish) workers on the road - like my good self.
A bacon and black pudding roll together with a tea is often the healthy option on a Friday morning. The bacon is liberally applied as is the small diameter pudding and then topped off with some obligatory HP sauce.
It is usually served up by a tight uniformed girl whose smile puts the blood into black-pudding.

Morrisons Breakfast

Miserable day... too much sunshine and too many humans thronging the streets enjoying the sunshine.

The Morrisons Breakfast was up to it's usual high (in comparioson with Tesco) standard. Two tasty pork sausages and a slice of bacon, fried bread, a reasonable portion of beans, fried egg and tomato. The breakfast is brought to the table a few minutes after ordering and it has that just cooked freshness that really sets it apart from Tesco's unapetising barely warm mess. No hassles. The tea is also several cuts above that served at Tesco.

Sunday Highlight

Milk and Toastboy arrived on cue on Sunday morning, Milk greeted me with "goodmorning Rashheed" which I found very amusing.(This was a reference to a rash I had on my heed some weeks ago)

An uneventful journey, a sparse booty, the trades fortnight is playing havoc, and a very poor breakfast affair, we were having a whale of a time.

A highlight for me,was when I decided to go to Argos for their new Autumn Winter catalogue,I found it was called "The Big One"so I tested the weight and did not fancy lugging this about in my usual under arm fashion,so I decided to take advantage of the carrier bags provided,
I went to pull a bag off the hook,but about two dozen came off with it,so I was busy placing the bags back on ,when I was approached by a nice young lady with a french accent"Pleeze may I take one of ziss boeks" I replied "please help yourself " I could see her struggling so I offered her my big one and placed it in a bag, She "Thankedme veery mich"
She then left for the exit,and I followed close behind,when she turned round and exclaimed "Ohhh I sot you wirked eer" I replied Think nothing of it and "Au revoir mon petite ami fraincais"
As she trotted off to an awaiting car,I walked away with a feeling of contentment,that I was able to assist Madame francais and keep anglo french relations live and well.
The episode of the three wise men,with the Gold,Contraceptive and dogend, was very funny,
Milk's gold coin was dismissed, not impossible,but improbable, end off.

My Dogend was dismissed by Toastboy's feeble theory, that the cigarette would be rendered redundant,by the intake of moisture from the inclement weather we are having, but it may have been discarded from a passing vehicle moments earlier, which null and voids that theory.

During my decades on the planet I have never come accross a gold coin on the pavement,or anywhere else for that matter, but I have come accross the odd contraceptive,but never had the urge to pick it up,
but have seen hundreds of cigarette butts, so I rest my case, I think my theory is the most likely.
On that note I bid you all farewell.

Impossible and the minker from hell...

Things started well. Milk arrived on time and I was ready to rock, we picked up an eager and bearded Tomato and set off to the boot in good spirits. There was a little chattah about BiG Brother and the weather. The sky looked quite dark and rain seemed imminent but did not dampen our spirits.

The boot was small and our stay was short, we all managed to pick something up. Milk kept his purchases secret while I was open about the two books I had acquired for Monkey-man, Plum returned with "of all things"... a massive sack of bananas!!!

We sped off to Tesco in anticipation of another pathetic breakfast and we were not to be disappointed. Morale had dropped to such a point that Plum Tomato only had beans on toast, I on the other hand had - Lorne Sausage, Pork Sausage, Egg, Beans and Two slices of Wholemeal Toast. Milk's breakfast consisted of.... toast! We all had tea of course but Milk was furious when he discovered he had forgotten to help himself to a cup. There was a bit of a kafuffle over the milk... as usual I picked up a jug of milk that would suffice for all three of the breakfasteers. Out of nowhere flew a man-faced harridan who grabbed the milk jug and screamed in her disgusting Edinburgh drawl that the jugs of milk were for cereals only and under "nay" circumstances to be used for tea. I informed the stinking bitch that the milk was for the three of us but that cut no cheese with the ugly fiend. Milk and Tomato's arses had collapsed and they made not a squeak, the timid beasties looked as if they may bubble so I heroically said, "whatever" , and strode manly to the payment counter. The meal was a sombre affair but we soon cheered up once it was over and did a bit of shopping.

The drive back was the most enjoyable part of the day. We all spotted a chavvie stooping to pick something up. Milk wondered what it could be and came up with the impossible idea that it was a gold coin!!! I decided it was a used condom and Plum thought a fag-end ( I doubt it!!!)...

All in all a good day, the only low point being the shoddy breakfast served by a stinking Edinburgh super-tink who deserves to be gassed.

Travel on.

31/07/05
A grey miserable day was brightened up by Toast verbalising the writing on Tomato’s back pack “Travelon 2000”. Why I found this so hilarious I do not know. I was still finding it amusing over 12 hours later.
I may be wrong but I’m sure the Travelon 2000 came into his possession after being spotted abandoned at the side of the road. He made his poor daughter turn her car round and go back for it. I’m sure Tomato will add a comment to this blog clearing up the situation. There was definitely a back pack found at the side of the road near a roundabout but it may not have been this one.

Toast started a conversation, about what I cannot remember but more than likely something controversial. He was met with silence. The silence unnerved him and he chattered on still receiving no response what so ever. I was desperately trying to find something to say when Tomato piped up “it’s a little early to be talking about (whatever it was)”.
I overtook a car on the way up the Black Isle hill. This seemed to enrage the driver as he was hot on my tail all the way to Inverness, finally pulling a Michael Schumacher type manoeuvre at the Halford’s roundabout to pass me. At the next roundabout he veered off towards the harbour/Black Bridge area and I could continue my journey peacefully. At the boot the mad driver veered into the car park minutes after we arrived. Hurrah! I won the race.
The car boot was dismal. Tomato thought it was something to do with the trade fortnight. I thought this unlikely, how many tradesmen are peddling their services at car boots? None! I bought a Fugees cd (Toast loves it when the Fugees say “one time, two time”) and a Rock n Roller Disco record. Asking the vendor how much the record was I received the reply “oh er um err umm *scratches head* umm err um oh………….em £1” as I was walking away they nervously, quietly and pointlessly said “singles are 20p”. These people should pass some sort of test before being unleashed on the public. Toast seemed to be highly impressed with the Rock n Roller Disco album (Ronco), I should have sold it to him for a vast profit.
I found a small incident amusing. A chap was standing at a table looking through a box of records. Unseen to him a friend appeared and stood right on his shoulder.

Friend: (Standing really close and humming) Hmmmm HmmmmHmmm hummm hummmm!
Guy looking at records: (no response, not even a flicker)
Friend: (Fake laughing) hee heeee heee heee!
Guy looking at records: (Still no response)
Pause for an uncomfortable length of time
Friend: (In a really bizarre nasal voice) Johnny Cash!
Guy looking at records: (No response)

On the way to Tesco Toast admitted that he had been rummaging about in the Travelon 2000. I didn’t quite catch what was going on but I think he covets the backpack. I know I certainly do. http://traveloasis.com/travelon.html

Tesco was very quiet and I confidently predicted no queue at the café. Little did I realise that the main shop was quiet because every single customer was in the breakfast queue. Myself and Toast lined up in the queue being quietly angered by the idiots standing in front of us. I was served by a young chap who thought himself to be a bit of a James Dean. He wore his regulation issue baseball cap and polo shirt in a rebellious sort of way (cap at jaunty angle, shirt collar up). Rebel Without a Chef. The cap and shirt both looked very faded and too small, he reminded me of a 1950s baseball player. He placed the most fossilised bit of fried bread on to my plate, I had to ask him to remove it and give me a better bit. You could feel his teenage anger rising. In the queue for the till, the woman behind me said very quietly and nervously “….are you…uuungh?” the “uuungh” was an exasperated sigh. I turned to ask what she was saying but she had taken off to a freshly opened till. I hope she choked on her breakfast, the ugly cow.
Once again there was a kafuffle with the items, Toast received 7 instead of 8. He didn’t get any fried bread. It was probably a good thing as mine was saturated in fat. Fat which tasted oddly like gloss paint. Although my companions didn’t say so I get the feeling they thought this to be a bizarre observation. My fried egg didn’t have a runny yoke so I couldn’t dip my sausage in it.
I did a small shopping. The lady at the till charged me twice for a pack of cooked ham. I discovered this too late and had to go to the customer services desk to join a long slow queue of quietly simmering people. While having my monies returned I took the initiative and asked about how to go about lodging a complaint about the café. The lady advised me to hand a letter in to the customer services counter and they would pass it on. Will we be brave enough to complain? Stay tuned…..probably not.After the breakfast I re-discovered that shopping in Inverness is rubbish. All I wanted was a pair of boot-fit jeans 34/long and size 9 slippers. It seems like such a simple request but proved to be an impossible order to fulfil. Things were so bad that we ended up in Matalan(s) to get the elusive items. I poopoo-ed their odd style of jeans (curvy fit?) and turned my nose up at the Zantos brand.