It's late - a bit like a Tesco breakfast...

Milk was tardy and I met him on Hill Street, we set off to pick up Tomato and chatted about "woik". A slightly flat rabbit met us at the entrance to Plum's property, I can't be sure but it looked to me as if pieces of tree bark had been forced into it's innocent looking maw. Milks face was a picture of disgust and he did all in his power to prevent the dead bunny contaminating his recently polished vehicle. Plum Tomato appeared as if from nowhere and feigned surprise at the once bright eyed "grass" eater, but an image of the murderous Elmer Fudd popped into my head. We were soon boot-bound.

The boot was pitiful Tomato and I bought nothing, while Milk picked up some dubious vinyl.

The breakfast was fairly chaotic. The serving girl could not count to 8 and as usual the two meagre meat products were sub-standard. The once excellent Tesco breakfast is now unappetising and badly presented.

Breakfast Disappointment

I was standing on the doorstep early Sunday morning,puffed out chest, inhaling the morning air,when I heard the sound of Milk's car arriving,but it did not reverse in as normal,I launched myself out of the house,to find Milk navigating around a demised bunny on the road.
I was delighted to see Milk accompanied by Toastboy who kindly offered the front seat, but I declined, and once again squashed myself into the backseat.

The booty was a bit disappointing to say the least, busy but no real bargains to be had.
The Tesco breakfast had a slight queue,so I decided to take a seat and await my comrades to serve upon me,so to speak.
Milk arrived first with a tray decked only with teapots and cups, I sensed all was not well again at the serving area, this was confirmed by Milk who informed me that there was a shortage of beans,which arrived shortly after this statement.

"There you go" remarked Milk pointing to the two breakfasts on the table,I scanned the trays and quickly noticed the absence of "butter patts" Milk quickly rectified this ommision by returning to the serving area, Toastboy arrived and placed his tray down and realised he had forgotten a cup,he then set off on a return journey to the serving area,passing Milk on his way back, fully kitted out with three patts,I found the muttering and toing and froing very amusing.

Poor Toastboy was looking forward to his breakfast(a big mistake) I asked him had he enjoyed it, he replied, What is it with this bacon,and the uncooked fatty bits, and why is it always "folded", etc..etc...

I tried to cheer him up with amusing anecdotes in Eugene style, but all in vain,he wasn't for any of it,he then sparred with Milk for a while,I could clearly see that he was not responding ,he was not his usual cheery self.

We all did a bit of shopping and then returned home, Milk skillfully steering around the now very squashed rabbit,Toastboy now remembering my hatred for these creatures,remarked "have you actually seen them chewing your trees?" in a prosecuting courtroom tone, yes m'ludd I witnessed the act at 4.30 am on a morning in May 2002, there was no mistake I tells you,it was definately a rabbit,chewing its way into a splendid Silver Birch.
I waved to Milk and Toastboy as they made their way home, one minute later I was out on the road scooping up the unfortunate animal in a spade and placing it in the ditch, what a fitting end to my morning.
There could be a God after all.

WD40

A beauteous summer’s morning buoyed the spirits. Toast was once again absent so the ducks of the River Ness could mellow out. Tomato was once again befuddled, so much so that he forgot all about the “I’ll go in the back” routine. However he did come good by doing an impression of Eugene from Big Brother’s ratty face, which was so funny I almost crashed the car.

Arriving at the boot I tried to squeeze into a gap that was about ¾ the width of the car. Tomato spotted a more suitable, space further down. I headed for it and decided to reverse in. I hooked my hand behind the passengers’ seat head rest in traditional reversing fashion. It was loose. I gave it another test shove, it was definitely insecure. This was a bit worrying. It didn’t feel quite right either. I had a few test feels then a couple of squeezes (as one might test the ripeness of a melon). Deciding on a visual check I spotted the complication straight away, I had Tomatoes noggin in my hand. The strange thing was that he never said a word. When I looked round he was frowning and looking goofy with my hand clamped on to his head.

This incident of course caused much hilarity. We were laughing uncontrollably when we reached the stalls. I tried to stick with Tomato as I didn’t want to be left giggling on my own. He took off like a rocket not to be seen again for half an hour. I managed to control myself and kept a poker face. About 20 minutes later I was standing next to Ginger Nut (whom Toast admires greatly). The incident popped back into my head and I snorted out a laugh which I managed to cover up by blowing my nose and sniffing a lot.

Whilst wandering past a stall a gentleman leant right over his table to intercept me, he had a black square object in his hand “alarm clock to wake you up early?” I dismissed his crazy attempt at a sale with “No thanks, I’m already awake”.

The journey to the breakfast passed with discussions about 3 in One oil and WD40. Tomato posed the question “Do you know why it’s called WD40?” I pondered this for a while however soon became sidetracked.

There was a very small queue at the breakfast but we were alarmed to notice a rough looking chap serving. He had a large moustache and was generally unshaven/unkempt. I thought he may have been Russian and looked like he had previous food serving experience working in the canteen of a Gulag. I went for the traditional breakfast pointing out that I didn’t want a plum tomato. He acknowledged this and scooped mushrooms onto my plate. “AIEEEE!”. He noticed my shriek and asked if I wanted scrambled egg, I was horrified “no!”, then he was out of the traps and flying, “hash browns?” “yes” “fried bread?” “yes” “potato scone?” “yes” “toast?” “yes”. Tomato went through a similar ordeal. About a second later we sat down, blinking at each other. “Have we sat down already? “That was quick! …..no wonder there isn’t a queue”. Tomato also had mushrooms and looked dismayed. Somehow, I had once again got 9 items, hurrah! Tomato counted his several times but he only had 8, he then looked disgusted as he noticed the grey pool of water created by his mushrooms. I prodded about on my plate but had no mushroom water, hurrah! Tomato looked at my plate longingly. I commented that it would be great if Toast were here for this experience. A pitiful looking Tomato observed his plate forlornly and sulked “I am Toast today”. He mopped up the mushroom water with a napkin.
The earlier WD40 question popped into my head and I head some guesses as to what it stood for:
Milk: William Donald 40?
Tomato: No
Milk: Was it first made in 1940?
Tomato: Nope.
Milk: Work…worker’s….works something?
Tomato: Aha!....nope
Milk: Weakens something?
Tomato: (Looking furtive and covering his mouth with his hand as if telling a secret) Muttermutteroob!
Milk: (Leaning in) eh?
Tomato: I just saw a boob!
Milk: What, the fell shebang? Where?

Tomato gestured to someone whose boob you wouldn’t want to see. We did agree however that Toast would definitely have been delighted to espy it.

* WD-40 literally stands for Water Displacement, 40th attempt. That's the name straight out of the lab book used by the chemist who developed WD-40 back in 1953. The chemist, Norm Larsen, was attempting to concoct a formula to prevent corrosion—a task which is done by displacing water. Norm's persistence paid off when he perfected the formula on his 40th try.
*3-IN-ONE was developed in 1894 for use on bicycles. The inventor, George Cole, was hoping to create a product which would lubricate, clean and prevent rust. Those three functions in one product led to the name.
http://www.wd40.com

People don’t buy stuff on a windy day.

A bright, windy morning. We were minus Toast but I made up for this by getting additional toast with my breakfast (more about my Traditional 9 items later). Tomato amusingly still went through the “I’ll get in the back” routine.
Tomato tried to blind me by pointing out that the sun reflecting off the Cromarty Firth was dazzling. This was not a wise thing for him to do as I was driving. The green/red blob in front of my eyes slowly disappeared as the miles rolled by and I could more or less see the road again by the time we reached the Tore roundabout. There was much hilarity on the A9 as we reminisced about Tomato hitting himself on the thumb with a hammer.
The car boot was quite a relaxed affair. Canny underscore Jack was nowhere in sight. I picked up a snooker game for PS2 , 2 Missy Elliot cd’s and Akira on DVD. For some odd reason I struck up a conversation about the blustery day with stall holder “Jake”. He had a theory that people didn’t buy things on a windy day citing an incident where he tried to sell someone a fishing rod for £7 (apparently a very reasonable price for a rod) but they turned it down. He’d allegedly been awake since 1:30 a.m. as some woman, who lived in the same house, had blown the main fuse of the building. Luckily Jake’s brother was an electrician who, after a bit of persuading, came round and “click click” sorted the fuse. He then charged them £70. “£70?” I said, pretending to believe his story “I’m in the wrong business”, “same here” said Jake “I’m just a painter and decorator”. Which was a bit strange; the last time I talked to him I’m sure he said he worked as a debt collector. He must be a Jake of all trades.
A chap had a box with five or six large hardback Dan Dare books. I asked how much and was delighted to hear he wanted a pound each. Unfortunately his bearded, bespectacled companion heard this and upped the price to £5 each. Grrrrr. I sent Tomato on a mission to try and buy the books for a £1 each from the non bearded, non spectacled chap. We spent the next 15 minutes circling, spying and browsing but beardy wasn’t leaving his post. If only Toast was around he could have distracted the guy with some performance art.
The Breakfast. I went for a Traditional 8. I got 7 items and asked for toast. There was none ready. The young lady gave me the dreaded “I’ll bring them over”. As I stood in the queue for tea the young lady appeared with 2 slices of toast on plate. Hurrah! A woman was standing between Tomato and me in the tea queue. Tomato made a nod and a wink to Toast by shouting “I’ve got the big milk” and holding up the jug.
I enjoyed counting my 9 items several times. Tomato’s plate looked baron. He seemed to have all bread products including the worst looking bit of fried bread, ever. It looked like it would be a nightmare to try and cut but crumbled like an ancient fossil. Tomato was put off his breakfast by a large lady in a pink top. I believe Toast would have found her most interesting sir. Tomato attempted my patented butter softening atop teapot technique. He mistimed the whole thing and ended up with a pool of yellow liquid.To finish the day we headed to the pet shop where Tomato bought 25kg of birdseed. My breakfast companions seem to share a worrying obsession with wild birds.

Extra Items for some

Milk arrived for me slightly later than usual, on a warm but blustery morning, I was disappointed to see that Toastboy was absent from the front seat,I attempted to go in the back seat,but then decided not to as it might have made Milk feel uncomfortable.

On arrival at the booty Milk made a purchase within the first two minutes,I think this may a record.
I purchased a rusty 7/8th socket and swivel bar for a bargain price of 50p and the usual bag of spuds.

Milk had a craw sticking moment when he attempted to purchase Dan Dare annuals for the sum of £1 each from a slightly dim stall holder,but was stopped by the dim stall holders bespectacled and bearded colleague who scuppered the purchase by raising the price to £5 each.
Milk related this unfortunate tale to me, and then instructed me in Fagin type manner, to go to the stall and try to procure the above mentioned items for the max price of £1 and bypass the now "I hate that speccy bearded "bas.... " "
I found myself skulking behind a clothing rack,watching the stall, but this money grabbing stall holder was on duty at the side of the stall where the books were and I just could not get the opportunity to make the purchase.

On arrival at the Tesco eatery we were confronted by a slow moving queue, Milk picked up a tray which had not been cleaned,I could see the look of disgust on his face,we made our choices and sat down to eat, I immediately used the butter melting technique, but did not have the right timing and slight clarification occured,Milk commented on how dry my selection looked,I then noticed that I did not choose the beans option.I think Milk scored and received a total of 9 items,somehow I always seem to miss out on this beneficial errors.
I went to the pet shop and purchased half a ton of bird seed which Milk kindly carried to the car which was parked some distance away,and he then informed me,in a low and breathless wheezy voice ,that the dull headache he had earlier had gone, and it was now a pounding headache. I hope this kind turn did not have any lasting effect,but he can be safe in the knowledge that there are fat contented birds flying around Evanton.
A very good morning 9/10.

7 for the price of 8 but still a bargain???

The boot was packed but dull, there was nothing of interest. As usual there were about twenty tatty copies of Bravo Two Zero (Milks favourite BOK) and a few dozen Dean Koontz hardbacks. I took a walk up the river while Tomato and Milk rooted around for a bargain. I took some pics of ducks who were being fed by a woman who looked a bit simple, realising that I didn't want any more duck or simpleton pics I deleted them and returned to the car. Milk and Tomato were furious that I had kept them waiting and it was a frosty drive to Tesco. The breakfast was really quite good, I had two sausages a slice of bacon a fried egg, beans and two "rounds" of toast. I was charged for a traditional breakfast which meant I was 20p up on the deal. As I recall the bacon was a bit crap but otherwise the main breakfast was fine. The tea however was almost tasteless, I brought this up with my fellow breakfasteers who agreed. Tomato explained - I never noticed how bad the tea was before, I was only using it to wash down the breakfast!

Where's the milk!!!

a href="http://crazyprices.blogspot.com/">Where's the milk!!!

This weekend went very well, I enjoyed the Booty,but once again "slim pickings" due to inflated pricing.

On Sunday a photographer was reported to be hiding in the bushes by the river Ness,taking snapshots of old ladies bending over feeding "mallard" ducks.

The breakfast for me went without incident,and most enjoyable,however when I checked the receipt,it just did not seem right,but I could not put my finger on it so to speak, this was noticed by Milk who asked me if everything was alright,and I replied in a yes yes manner, its ok, but it was still niggling at me while I chomped my way through my double hash brown portions, of which I was bloody lucky to get by the way,with the threat of receiving wattery scrambled egg and mushrooms next time.

The breakfast must have been a sucess all round,because the table was cleared and trays carefully loaded and transported to the awaiting Tray area provided, the three Gourmet patrons left the Tesco eatery smiling and contented.

Let's build an underpass,and cause traffic chaos with contraflows and speed restrictions for over six months,and then fill it all in again,
and maybe nobody will notice, job's a goodun.